The Zombie Apocalypse Is Here!

Oh my goodness. It's happening, people. This is not a drill. Proceed directly to your zombie-proofed shelters, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Get to a safe room with no windows, preferably with a steel reinforced door and solid brick walls. This is how it starts.

Okay, so I might be exaggerating slightly. I have a propensity to do that. So far, the only animals to actually turn into zombies have been ants but those little buggers (no pun intended) are absolutely everywhere. Turns out that colonies of ants have been infected with something that scientists have dubbed the "zombie-ant fungus." Okay, so it's scientific name is Ophiocordyceps unilateralis but "zombie-ant" says it all. So here's how it works.

The fungus, which is the big sticky thing poking out of the ants head over to the left there, shoots spores into the ant. The spores kill the insect and reanimate its body (because it's a zombie fungus, after all), after which the zombie ant shuffles off to a cool moist location, assumedly crying out for braaaaains the entire way, where it drops down dead. And after that its head explodes so that the spores eating away its brain can escape and infect more ants. How cool is that? It's only a matter of time before the fungus evolves to human compatibility, right? On the bright side, the human zombies will also have unicorn horns, which will not only be insanely cool (zombiecorns!!), it'll also make them easy to identify.

But lest the necrophobes and hypochondriacs begin a world wide panic, I should let you know that there is hope. There's another fungus called the anti-zombie-ant-fungus-fungus. (Turns out science people aren't really the best at naming things.) It's the creepy little bumpy thing on the sticky thing poking out of the ants head over to the right there. This new fungus attacks the zombie-fungus and essentially "castrates" it says David P. Hughes, researcher at the Millennium Science Complex. (Seriously, these guys either have the best or the worst sense of humor ever.) The good news is that it kills the majority of the spores and keeps the zombie epidemic in check. The bad news is that the ant is still dead.

Now you all know how much I love zombies but I don't particularly want to become one someday so I've been reading quite a bit to prepare myself for the inevitable onset of the shuffling hordes. If you want to keep your faculties when the ant fungus begins to infect humans and the undead rise up against us, you might want to do the same. (You might also want to consider Running For Your Life, just so you're in peak zombie-fighting condition.)

Start off with the Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks because that guy really knows his stuff. Then you should probably pick up a copy of The Zombie Combat Manual by Roger Ma so you know how best to defend yourself and Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Zombies by Matt Mogk so you know how to prepare yourself. If you suspect one of your loved ones is a zombie, you should probably put them out of their misery but make sure before cutting off their rotting heads by reading You Might Be a Zombie by the good people over at Cracked. And finally, if the worst should happen and you find yourself on of the recently undead, first run like crazy from your book-toting friends and then pick up some fresh brains and a copy of So Now You're a Zombie by John Austin so you can plan out the rest of your undeath. Just don't take it personally when I try to lop your head off.

(And here I thought the zombie apocalypse would be brought on my spoiled milk.)